July 13, 2009
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Remember you're English
Pull yourself together, drink copious quantities of tea, and start to get on with it.
Or something like that. The pulling together is a bit tenuous, the tea is in industrial quantities, and getting on with it happens sporadically, as long as I actually manage to write down what it is that I am supposed to be getting on with. I should be in two different places at the moment, however, I am actually at home and have just managed to mend both the towel rail and the broken mosaic tile in the bathroom. Which is something that the Great Dane Puppy will appreciate, and should mean that the rent gets paid.
People are so kind. They keep offering to listen. I haven't got much to say. But I know I have lots of people who will listen, and who will hug, if required. This is very much appreciated. I do rather want to be hugged. I'm holding out for the Welshman. He's good at long, patient hugs, and I think I need one of them.
I also haven't had a decent cry since a rather prolonged session very late on Thursday night, which was fuelled with alcohol and very very snotty. I am wondering whether to worry about this, and deciding, probably not. It'll come when I'm good and ready for it. Or when my system is good and ready for it, even if I'm not. There is a limit to how much sobbing one can do on public transport after all (and no, I haven't done that since Thursday. I did a very good mournful on Saturday, and then disgraced myself by nearly falling asleep at a friend's house). I am buttoned up and carrying on.
I am beginning to feel rather more human after three days of autopilot and contacting people to let them know. I am avoiding Torchwood for the time being, I think it might be a Bit Too Much to cope with. The review in the Times put me off.
Onwards. I have to Do Stuff. To do with Guides. I think.
Who can say?
xxx
Comments (4)
I want to say something to make you feel better, but there isn't anything anybody can say that will do that.
I gave you a couple of hugs in the heading.
Throw yourself into it and feel really bad for a while. Let it out. You'll feel better later.
I think you've determined the correct thing. You will have another cry when you and/or your system is ready for it. When my family grieved after my uncle died of cancer, there were periods when various numbers of us went on autopilot. Lots of factors influenced it from if one was a caregiver, to not being close by, to how long it had been since the last cry, etc. Just do what you need to do. Get the hugs you need and cry when it feels like the right time. Thinking of you...
Your grief will heal in time. Your love for Em will stay forever. And she has left a wonderful legacy of her work with the Guides that will continue to make a difference in so many lives. And, as a mother, I want to give you hug and tell you everything will be ok.
Speaking as one who has gone through this quite recently, I can say that you should just let yourself feel whatever you feel at that moment, and keep in mind that life will continue and you will feel better eventually, unlikely as that may seem right now. Wear black during the spell where you are inclined to random crying, so people will know without asking that it's grief and not something they should try to fix. That may be an odd piece of advice, but worrying about other people's responses to your sobbing on the subway is the last thing you need, and I think that's what the custom of wearing black to show grief is for.
You're in my prayers.